Don't Worry....Be Happy

Honesty time: there are so many insecurities in my life right now. Also, so much grace and healing.

Since my last post, I've settled in at my new job. I work at a hospice IPU as a "unit assistant," which basically means "unit clerk/glorified receptionist." I take care of everything from answering call lights to notifying housekeeping because a visiting puppy got so excited that it peed on the carpet (oops). I also smile at people and try to look cute. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

There's just something strange about going from a well-paying, intellectually challenging (if emotionally crushing) job to a part-time support role. At Epic, I was constantly busy, stressed, and fatigued. Now, I'm surrounded by sweet coworkers and life is relatively stress-free, but I also make less than half of my former paycheck.

I wouldn't have been able to make the switch if not for my fiance, Phil.

(This is us. I love him more than life.)

Phil is an RN at the same place I work. In fact, he encouraged me to apply there. This is perfect--we often work the same shifts, and he looks SO SEXY (blush) running around in his scrubs, taking care of people and being an amazing nurse.

But it's a big adjustment for me to have to depend so fully on another person to make ends meet. If not for Phil, I would've had only two options:

1. Stay at Epic until I found another high-paying job, to keep up with student loans.
2. Move back to Warren and stay with my parents.

The latter wasn't really an option--not only because I'm too independent (and maybe have a teeny bit too much pride, which I'm trying to work on), but also because Madison is my new home, at least for now. Home has become wherever my soon-to-be husband happens to be.

Thanks to my babe, I was able to leave a terrible, wrong-for-me job and go somewhere that makes me feel like I'm pouring myself into something, like I matter. Phil is definitely the "breadwinner" now, and he's a whiz at finances--it's just crazy. He's incredibly organized and smart about our spending plan, but he also embraces my spontaneity and shows such generosity toward others AND toward me (what's the good in giving to others if you don't give to your own family?)

Every now and then, I wonder if I should feel bad about not working in a more challenging job, after being valedictorian in high school and getting top marks (except for one pesky statistics class) at a really good university. It feels like my brain has sort of atrophied since college, like my intelligence is slowly declining. In high school I aced advanced placement calculus; now I answer the phones. I don't actually feel bad, but I do wonder if this is the right path. At low points, I guess it's a little frustrating that I'm not using my skills or being compensated at the level I could probably achieve.

But really, I am using my gifts, my God-given skills--just not the quantifiable ones. I'm loving others, treating them with genuine respect and compassion, and adding my personality to the mix at a workplace that literally deals with life and death. My coworkers are just awesome people, and I get to interact every day with patients and families who are on the cusp of a journey's end, who find themselves tangled up in complex emotions--unthinkable pain, heartbreaking love, even (hopefully) a sense of closure or relief. That is an unusual job, to say the least. And that's where God has called me.

Also, the change in finances has humbled me like crazy. It's easy for us, as sinful, well-meaning people, to start feeling as though we deserve more money. As though we're entitled to it. But really, not a single cent of that money is mine. It's all a blessing, a gift. And it means I have to trust God, rather than my own steam, to provide for my needs. These verses from Matthew 6 speak to my soul:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear . . . Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you now much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

So much wisdom here. Jesus knows our hearts, but he also cares deeply about our physical well-being. This means a lot to me, because I tend to be a worrier. During my stint at Epic, I saw the effects of worry firsthand. And the way God worked through the situation (a story that won't fit in this blog post) is a huge testament to his love and faithfulness.

(Happy. This life is a blessing. Also, baby squids are cute.)

"See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is throw into the fire, will he not much more clothe you--you of little faith? So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

More on this later. But for now, I'll just say: Amen, Lord.