This is not okay.

So. Where to begin. Last night, I decided to walk from our apartment to Mother Fool's--a fifteen minute stroll down Paterson and Willy Street--to get some work done.

This was an exciting prospect. I love coffee shops. And especially, with Baby all comfy inside me, coffee shops that offer decaf espresso.

But as I approached Mother Fool's, I saw a middle-aged man at the corner, sitting on a ledge on my side of the street, just . . . staring. Of course, I tried to act like I hadn't noticed. The whole thing felt very icky, very uncomfortable, but it would've been too obvious to cross to the other side of the street to avoid him. Especially since my destination was on this side of the block, literally twenty feet past the staring creeper.

I thanked God for my sunglasses, so he couldn't see where I was looking. I prayed, or maybe just chanted to myself: please just don't say anything. Please leave me alone. Please surprise me.

But as I drew closer, he leered at me--an ugly, rude sort of leer--and flashed a big thumbs up. "I'm giving you one of these," he said, still with an open and hungry-looking stare. "Yeah. You earned it."

I mumbled something stupid and kept walking. I felt disgusted, embarrassed, threatened.

But not surprised.

And before anyone starts asking, well, what were you wearing . . .

YES. I was wearing a sundress. It was bright and feminine, with a swishy skirt. It wasn't high necked, or formless and baggy.

But it doesn't matter.

I am tired (read: exhausted) of things like this happening. Just drained, saddened, wiped out.

And I am sick to death of some Christians pointing out that, well, if you don't dress modestly, what can you expect?

I try to dress modestly. I care about finding clothes that fit my style and make me feel fun, colorful, and comfortable without showing too much. But in situations like the above, it's deeply irrelevant. I've been hit on while wearing jeans and a T-shirt, a cute high-necked dress, a cute scoop-necked dress, a baggy jacket, shorts and a plain tank top, whatever. It doesn't matter.

I truly believe that blaming a man's rude, harassing behavior (or other, much worse things) on a woman's appearance is just silly and ignorant.

If a man (or any person) got their Corvette stolen, would the police file a report and look for the thief? Or would they say, "Well, why the heck did you buy such a nice car? What were you thinking, going out in something so flashy? Shouldn't you have realized that someone would want to steal it? If you didn't want this to happen, shouldn't you have just kept your Corvette locked up in the garage, where it belongs?"

That is victim-blaming, and to be perfectly honest, it makes me really sad.

So please, please, stop it.

I believe that modesty is beautiful. And my attempts to dress appropriately--which, for me, means the fingertip rule for skirts, the ol' lean-over-and-check-out-the-view test for tops, and not wearing a bikini around anyone except my hubby--are largely out of respect for guys.

Boyfriends, husbands, or just guys in general.

Because I'll admit it--it can make me a little unhappy when we're walking downtown and I notice a girl whose teeny-tiny outfit leaves nothing to the imagination. I don't have anything against that girl; I don't feel anger toward her, or jealousy. But if I couldn't help but notice, of course my hubby would notice. Of course other men would notice, too.

I attempt to dress modestly because I don't want to be that temptation to other guys, and that source of discomfort for other women.

HOWEVER.

Guys noticing a woman and guys harassing/catcalling/hitting on a woman is 100% different.

Noticing a woman is natural.

Harassing her is not natural. It shows a lack of respect, a lack of self-control, a lack of human decency. It's just not okay.

I guess it's tricky, because not all guys have bad intentions. And even though I don't really want any of it, not all flirting is created equal.

A guy at the grocery store once said, "Damn . . . your smile is gorgeous." He gave me a sort of embarrassed grin, and then walked away and didn't bother me again. If I'm totally honest, I didn't mind that one too much. It didn't feel dangerous or creepy.

But there are times when I feel unsafe, angry, or violated. Sometimes a combination of the three.

So what can we do about this? I suppose my impending pregnant belly might deter some of the attacks. :) But still, after years of dealing with the weird misogyny that all other women deal with, too, I haven't figured out a way to respond that leaves me feeling strong and not disgusted/embarrassed/icky.

For now, obnoxious guys of the world (none of whom, I'm pretty sure, will ever read this blog), here's a deal:

I'll dress modestly, because I respect you.

I'll try to give men the benefit of the doubt, because there are some truly amazing, humble, strong, and kind-hearted men out there. My hubby is one of them. I'm blessed to be friends with so, so many of them.

But no matter what I wear, completely regardless of my choices, you don't get to leer at me or shout profanity in the middle of the mall or cackle rudely when I tell you I'm married.

And you don't get to blame my clothes for how other people treat me.

Whew. /rant. Luckily I've got a hubby to walk places with me and offer (jokingly, for the most part) to throw rocks at obnoxious harassers.

There's always a silver lining.