Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Madison, Wisconsin--
where snowfall after snowfall leaves us cold and defiant
like the heart that refuses to stop beating even after it's gone through the ice.

I can't be the only one feeling the lack of Vitamin D.

Still, exciting things have been happening. Praise God! It's beautiful to see what He will do when I'm humble enough to soften my heart and surrender it to him.  He can only accomplish so much if we hand him a rock and tell him "mold this." But if we give him clay . . .

This past month, God has been molding me. He has made me aware of exactly where I'm imperfect. Where I'm selfish. Where I've been weak. It doesn't mean I have to patch up those tears myself--it's more that I'm recognizing them, giving them to God.
 
I tend to love people deeply, almost recklessly. But when certain difficult topics come up, I feel torn between honesty and kindness. I don't want to become complicit in something that my heart says is harmful. But I don't want to hurt someone, or alienate them, either. This leads me to sin--in other words, yucky things:

• Telling little white lies to safely navigate a difficult topic. Even if it causes me to express something different than what's in my heart.
• In private, feeling frustrated and even annoyed at the person, to the point where I start to lose the love I once had for them.
• Ranting like a crazy person. Even if it's just to my husband, I think this counts as gossip.

I want to love and I want to speak truth. So where is the balance? I have no idea. But I'm slowly learning the precarious skill of gentle truth. Or at least, of being a friend and showing kindness without supporting something that I don't agree with. And it's not about the big things, either--I don't tend to judge others on their lifestyles, their belief systems. It's the little things, like repeated acts of pride or selfishness. Like people taking advantage of others in small ways.

Truth hurts, especially when hearts are too hard to listen. Blunt honesty can even destroy friendships and burn bridges, when maybe I want to keep those bridges around for a while. But keeping the feelings bottled up and acting like a people-pleaser makes me loathe myself, makes me end up being sinful and negative in my own head and behind closed doors. And it tarnishes the love I'm supposed to be giving. So what do I do?

"He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

God is the ultimate mender. Where I could just sew on a messy patch and try to ignore all the loose threads, he can renew and make me whole. And by letting him work through me, rather than trying to be strong on my own--or worse, pretending that the weaknesses don't exist--I am able to bring glory to him. I can admit that I don't have the delicate balance of honesty and compassion figured out yet. That for now, all I can do is try to follow God and let him make amends where I fall short.