Love.

 
"Don’t worry. Put away your mirrors and your beauty magazines and your books on tape. There is someone right here who knows you more than you do, who is making room on the couch, who is fixing a meal, who is putting on your favorite record, who is listening intently to what you have to say, who is standing there with you, face to face, hand to hand, eye to eye, mouth to mouth. There is no space left uncovered. This is where you belong." -Sufjan Stevens

Extra Love

It's amazing how, in my head, a beautiful and well-organized life seems like it should be effortless. I know what's important to me--all these goals, all the simple little things I want to infuse into my life. (Now I'm imagining raspberry black tea infusing into a mug of steaming hot water.....mmmmm.) But it's so hard to put all those things into practice. When I focus on one area, others seem to fall by the wayside.

I'm a chronic list-maker, so it's easy to chart out all these little goals my heart wanders after:

• Natural and organic everything. If I were rich I would buy all organic food and go to the market every week....and I would use shampoos and lip balms and sunscreen made from tea tree oil, or honey, or primrose. It's just hard for me to spend $15 on a bottle of shampoo.
• Housewifey stuff. I really, really want to make our house beautiful and live in an uncluttered, clean space. Phil and I take turns with tasks like cooking, doing the dishes, and taking out the trash, but I don't think he shares my (hypothetical) excitement about all this domestic stuff. Maybe someday I'll actually be well-organized enough to get one step ahead.....who knows.
• Writing. This is what I've loved since before kindergarten. Someday I want to make an income from fiction writing or freelance editing or some combination of the two. But even if there's no pay-off, it's just something my soul loves--it's frustrating when everything else seems to get in the way.
• Being healthy. Phil helps me limit pop and junk food a lot more than I used to, and we are trying to stay in shape together--but I still feel frustrated whenever I eat too much, or skip exercise. Ugh. Our bodies are like a temple, and I really don't want to fill mine with trash.
• Music. I have these dreams of Phil and I writing songs together whenever we feel like it, playing at coffee shops, worshiping together all the time. And it does happen, but I just wish it could happen more, because I love it so much! But there aren't that many hours in the day.
• Friends. Friends. More friends. I'm a hardcore introvert and have trouble with larger groups--my favorite thing is to hang out in smaller groups, or just individually, and truly get to know people. Maybe have them over for dinner or go out for coffee. But there are maybe 20 people I feel this way out . . . eeek. So many awesome people and not enough time. (I know . . . excuses, excuses.)
• Art. I've been doing some acrylic painting, and I'm full of craft ideas (thanks in part to Pinterest), and I've been wanting to take a watercolor class . . . someday. Maybe soon.

It all sounds nice. But obviously, life is full of other things, like working and paying off student loans and saving to go back to school and budgeting in case we decide to get a house someday. And I am INCREDIBLY blessed that I even have the privilege to try and balance all these hobbies, these goals and passions. I recognize that this isn't something I've earned--it's been given to me as a gift, totally undeserved.

When I create art or take good care of my home, when I make healthy choices or spend time with friends, I want to invite God into every single one of those moments and thank him for it. I want my whole life to be infused by him--so that even if I don't have time for everything on my "extras" list, I can rest in the Spirit.

Return to Sender

Before we met
I had already seen you in far too many dreams.

You can't send letters without words
but that's what I did
sleeping on a mattress of pictures and postage stamps
I never had my fighting chance.

Our love notes read like grocery lists
or prescription refills--
take 3 pomegranate seeds
and call me in the morning--
but I could never bring myself to throw them away.

Instead I practiced the careful handwriting of the girl
who would someday meet me in the mirror
who would've traded her whole flock of delicate black words
for my clear blank page.

Because before I knew you I knew that we would fit
like a letter tucked in an envelope
or a needle in the crease of my arm.
For 22 years you dripped life into my veins.

And when you tapped me on the shoulder
and asked to cut in
I gave you the scissors
and told you to do your worst.

I didn't know how much happiness would hurt.
I didn't know it could be possible to miss someone
when he's laying right beside you
keeping you warm and you're running your fingers
through his hair thinking this is the last time
on the 16th of March at 11:37 at night
that I will run my fingers through his hair and
I didn't know that happy endings go so fast.

But I know that we are blessed
because a thing would have to be pretty damn beautiful
for me to be this afraid of losing it.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Madison, Wisconsin--
where snowfall after snowfall leaves us cold and defiant
like the heart that refuses to stop beating even after it's gone through the ice.

I can't be the only one feeling the lack of Vitamin D.

Still, exciting things have been happening. Praise God! It's beautiful to see what He will do when I'm humble enough to soften my heart and surrender it to him.  He can only accomplish so much if we hand him a rock and tell him "mold this." But if we give him clay . . .

This past month, God has been molding me. He has made me aware of exactly where I'm imperfect. Where I'm selfish. Where I've been weak. It doesn't mean I have to patch up those tears myself--it's more that I'm recognizing them, giving them to God.
 
I tend to love people deeply, almost recklessly. But when certain difficult topics come up, I feel torn between honesty and kindness. I don't want to become complicit in something that my heart says is harmful. But I don't want to hurt someone, or alienate them, either. This leads me to sin--in other words, yucky things:

• Telling little white lies to safely navigate a difficult topic. Even if it causes me to express something different than what's in my heart.
• In private, feeling frustrated and even annoyed at the person, to the point where I start to lose the love I once had for them.
• Ranting like a crazy person. Even if it's just to my husband, I think this counts as gossip.

I want to love and I want to speak truth. So where is the balance? I have no idea. But I'm slowly learning the precarious skill of gentle truth. Or at least, of being a friend and showing kindness without supporting something that I don't agree with. And it's not about the big things, either--I don't tend to judge others on their lifestyles, their belief systems. It's the little things, like repeated acts of pride or selfishness. Like people taking advantage of others in small ways.

Truth hurts, especially when hearts are too hard to listen. Blunt honesty can even destroy friendships and burn bridges, when maybe I want to keep those bridges around for a while. But keeping the feelings bottled up and acting like a people-pleaser makes me loathe myself, makes me end up being sinful and negative in my own head and behind closed doors. And it tarnishes the love I'm supposed to be giving. So what do I do?

"He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

God is the ultimate mender. Where I could just sew on a messy patch and try to ignore all the loose threads, he can renew and make me whole. And by letting him work through me, rather than trying to be strong on my own--or worse, pretending that the weaknesses don't exist--I am able to bring glory to him. I can admit that I don't have the delicate balance of honesty and compassion figured out yet. That for now, all I can do is try to follow God and let him make amends where I fall short.

Our Wedding (In Pictures): My First Thank-You Note!

Phil and I are married. Eeeeeeep!

 (This is us, all married and such.)

I'm sorry--I know so much happiness can be sort of sickening--but this is just wild. Thank you, Jesus, for heaping all these blessings on me. I don't deserve it!

Our vintage-y little picnic wedding was perfect because it embraced the spirit of community. The whole celebration was put together through the graciousness (and craftiness!) of so many people! It would take pages and pages to document everything. But I'll mention a few gifts that my mom happened to snap a picture of:

• The flower brigade. Here they are, hard at work! My dad and friends picked up some Subway sandwiches for everyone, and then we all got to work, cutting stems, arranging flowers, and sticking them into those little green sponges--big flowers in the middle! Thank you to everyone for sharing your secret florist talents.

• The set-up crew! Putting together a DIY wedding is not easy--I'm just astounded by how selfless and caring everyone was, offering their help by moving picnic tables, hanging the colorful flags that my mom and her friends hand-sewed, writing on chalkboards and draping tulle, setting out plates and centerpieces, even tidying up the shelter bathrooms! Holy moly.

Studly table-movers. ;)

The crafters!

Eeeek! I can't believe all this was going on while I was just feeling 

excited/nervous and fixing my hair. Hahaha. Such wonderful friends.

• This girl!

 

 Seriously, Courtney Guenther is a woman of about a zillion talents. Let's see.....she put together the bouquets, did my makeup, fixed the girls' hair, and used an earring post and a teeny pair of scissors to poke a hole through the leather straps of my sandals, basically saving my life.  

•  Every single person who brought delicious food to share. Not to mention the amazing pie-bakers--Karen, Megan, Sharon, and all the girls--who set up shop at the Biller household. Mmmm. Potluck weddings FTW. I will forever remember the taste of that strawberry ganache pie. 

(This beautiful photo was taken by Lauren Thacker! She also took a gorgeous close-up shot of our vows that we will probably get framed someday.)

• All the people who made our ceremony so perfect!

My brother Davy and his girlfriend Lauren did the readings. They're a super sweet, fun 

couple, and they're amazing together (even despite my bro's oddness! lol.) It meant so much 

to have my bro and my hopefully-future sister take part in the ceremony, and it was even more meaningful because they are a Christ-seeking couple, too!
 *

Yuliya married us! She is such an inspiring woman, and Phil and I were honored

to be the first couple she's ever married. She filled the ceremony with wisdom and joy.

 The Krause Family Band played beautiful folksy music. I am basically their biggest fan.

There are so many others to thank, too! I just described the things that come with pictures, mostly. But the list goes on: there's our lovely photographers Sarah and Kimberly, Erik with his ballin' DJ stylings, and Jimmy and Nicole, grillers extraordinaire! 

And of course, our parents. My goodness. Phil and I are so blessed to have been raised by people who love us so much. Our families are the best, and they helped so selflessly on "The Big Day" (as some might call it).

 I am now one of the Biller clan!

Love my daddy, so much.

I guess that's the end of this little photo essay. Thank you so much for everyone who helped, showed up, and celebrated with us! We love you!

We Love Midnight Brunch!

Tonight I'm making my babe some French toast. Three courses of gourmet French toast, to be exact. He was craving some today, but then he had to run off to work. Wheee! I love surprising him.

Sadly, my first-ever attempt at making my own whipped cream ended in disaster. I know, I know. It's just cream and sugar mixed together. But everything happened so fast! I'm pretty sure the Sunbeam mixer my mom got me is the most powerful mixer on earth. Luckily there was some Cool Whip in the fridge, waiting loyally for its time to shine. I'll just have to let the trashcan enjoy this weird, creamy, buttery coagulation. Yuck.

Here is the "Lindy's Blobby Bistro" (don't ask, haha) menu for my babe:

First Course: Pumpkin-Chocolate French Toast. Basically, I added pumpkin puree and a few spices to the traditional egg-milk-vanilla mixture. Then I drizzled just a little bit of chocolate syrup over the top.

Second Course: Bananas Foster French Toast. I made regular French toast and cooked banana slices in a separate skillet with a homemade sauce of brown sugar, melted butter, and water. I thought about adding a few plum slices on the side, just because there was a yummy-looking ripe plum in the fridge. But it's probably better without it.

Third Course: Cinnamon French Toast with Strawberries and Cream. Mmm.

(I strive to emulate Plow!!!)

So excited for Phil to get home from work! And not just because I'm getting hungry. That fiance of mine is truly the strongest, kindest, most humble, and most fun man I know. He follows Christ and strives to better himself in everything he does. And I am so ready to share some midnight brunch with him.

Don't Worry....Be Happy

Honesty time: there are so many insecurities in my life right now. Also, so much grace and healing.

Since my last post, I've settled in at my new job. I work at a hospice IPU as a "unit assistant," which basically means "unit clerk/glorified receptionist." I take care of everything from answering call lights to notifying housekeeping because a visiting puppy got so excited that it peed on the carpet (oops). I also smile at people and try to look cute. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

There's just something strange about going from a well-paying, intellectually challenging (if emotionally crushing) job to a part-time support role. At Epic, I was constantly busy, stressed, and fatigued. Now, I'm surrounded by sweet coworkers and life is relatively stress-free, but I also make less than half of my former paycheck.

I wouldn't have been able to make the switch if not for my fiance, Phil.

(This is us. I love him more than life.)

Phil is an RN at the same place I work. In fact, he encouraged me to apply there. This is perfect--we often work the same shifts, and he looks SO SEXY (blush) running around in his scrubs, taking care of people and being an amazing nurse.

But it's a big adjustment for me to have to depend so fully on another person to make ends meet. If not for Phil, I would've had only two options:

1. Stay at Epic until I found another high-paying job, to keep up with student loans.
2. Move back to Warren and stay with my parents.

The latter wasn't really an option--not only because I'm too independent (and maybe have a teeny bit too much pride, which I'm trying to work on), but also because Madison is my new home, at least for now. Home has become wherever my soon-to-be husband happens to be.

Thanks to my babe, I was able to leave a terrible, wrong-for-me job and go somewhere that makes me feel like I'm pouring myself into something, like I matter. Phil is definitely the "breadwinner" now, and he's a whiz at finances--it's just crazy. He's incredibly organized and smart about our spending plan, but he also embraces my spontaneity and shows such generosity toward others AND toward me (what's the good in giving to others if you don't give to your own family?)

Every now and then, I wonder if I should feel bad about not working in a more challenging job, after being valedictorian in high school and getting top marks (except for one pesky statistics class) at a really good university. It feels like my brain has sort of atrophied since college, like my intelligence is slowly declining. In high school I aced advanced placement calculus; now I answer the phones. I don't actually feel bad, but I do wonder if this is the right path. At low points, I guess it's a little frustrating that I'm not using my skills or being compensated at the level I could probably achieve.

But really, I am using my gifts, my God-given skills--just not the quantifiable ones. I'm loving others, treating them with genuine respect and compassion, and adding my personality to the mix at a workplace that literally deals with life and death. My coworkers are just awesome people, and I get to interact every day with patients and families who are on the cusp of a journey's end, who find themselves tangled up in complex emotions--unthinkable pain, heartbreaking love, even (hopefully) a sense of closure or relief. That is an unusual job, to say the least. And that's where God has called me.

Also, the change in finances has humbled me like crazy. It's easy for us, as sinful, well-meaning people, to start feeling as though we deserve more money. As though we're entitled to it. But really, not a single cent of that money is mine. It's all a blessing, a gift. And it means I have to trust God, rather than my own steam, to provide for my needs. These verses from Matthew 6 speak to my soul:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear . . . Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you now much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

So much wisdom here. Jesus knows our hearts, but he also cares deeply about our physical well-being. This means a lot to me, because I tend to be a worrier. During my stint at Epic, I saw the effects of worry firsthand. And the way God worked through the situation (a story that won't fit in this blog post) is a huge testament to his love and faithfulness.

(Happy. This life is a blessing. Also, baby squids are cute.)

"See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is throw into the fire, will he not much more clothe you--you of little faith? So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

More on this later. But for now, I'll just say: Amen, Lord.