Anne Lamott, on writing (and life)

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”

"Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you're 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn't go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It's going to break your heart. Don't let this happen."

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

550 Square Feet of Joy

As fall colors start to appear, as the air turns crisp and cool in the warm sunshine, it seems like the whole world is breathing a sigh of relief.

Our new apartment, which was nothing short of disaster on move-in day, is finally clean and settled. I wish I had "Before" and "After" pictures--the place was just not pretty. There was grime and mildew in the bathroom, food residue caked on the fridge, dirty floors, dust everywhere . . . the "clean freak" tenant who lived here before (landlord's words, not mine) must've let himself go in the days before move-out. And even after we cleaned everything, it seemed impossible that the accumulation of our lives--the endless boxes of books, clothes, kitchen junk, art supplies--would ever fit. Picture the last scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but with less floorspace.

Now we've been here more than a month, and the place is cozy and beautiful: thoughtfully-arranged furniture, ocean-themed bathroom, organized cupboards, warm light, all our books comfy on a new bookshelf, and the lake waiting for us right across the street. It's the perfect little nest.

At least, it seemed that way until I started to tell people about it.

Apparently, most people aren't enamored with our decision to move into a small one-bedroom when expecting a new baby. Who would've thought. ;)

Reactions have ranged from concern, disapproval, superiority, confusion, "to each her own" (thank you!), indifference (thank you!!) and genuine encouragement/agreement (thank you, so much!!)

Truly, I'm not annoyed at those who don't understand, or just don't agree. I know everyone is different. But I didn't expect such a strong reaction to our decision to live simply and cut costs for a while. So for those who don't understand how it could be possible to intentionally downsize to a 550-square foot one bedroom in the months before having a baby, here is, without further ado:

Tips on preparing a tiny apartment for a year of baby-themed chaos

1. Secure the bookcase to the wall. (This is called baby-proofing.) Arrange the closets so that you aren't crushed beneath an avalanche of coats and basketballs and guitar cases EVERY time you open the door . . . only every other time. (This is also called baby-proofing.)

2. Store overflow items, like posters and yet-to-be-used baby toys, in the kitchen cupboards. You don't buy that much food, anyway.

3. Buy curtains. These will make the space feel more grown-up and less like a dorm room.

Money-saving tip: If you can't afford real curtains, go with the $7 white sheers that are supposed to hang between the real curtains and the windows. Let's be serious--you live a few blocks away from students who use milk crates for coffee tables, who drink beer that costs $2 for a 6-pack and tastes like soapy water. Nobody will expect real curtains.

4. Abandon the illusion of personal space. It will only confuse you later.

5. Find a willing parent or relative, and give them your extra stuff to put in "storage" (i.e. their basement).

6. Door hooks. Everywhere.

7. Make a detailed list of where you will store everything: crib, baby swing, stroller, car seat, play gym, toys, etc. (It's okay to throw some things away, in blind panic. Or just to throw things.)

And as a bonus....

How to respond to people who think you are crazy, or attention-seeking, or both:

At first, when people ask if you've moved to a bigger place yet to prepare for Baby's arrival, tell them cheerfully that you've actually moved to a SMALLER place . . . because a simple lifestyle is worth pursuing. Because you don't even need a baby monitor when you can get from one side of the house to the other in six steps. Because we all know that, no matter how much space you fill with vintage wooden toys and Fisher Price play sets, your baby will probably still end up playing with a shoebox.

When people still don't understand, when they keep asking the same question, try to defend yourself: it's only for a couple years, while we pay down my student loans and save up for a down payment. There's still plenty of space. Gradually, start to worry that maybe they're right . . . maybe you've made a catastrophic mistake . . . maybe you'll spend the next two years sobbing on the floor amid a mountain of toys and diapers and Phil's random stacks of paper. (No home is complete without random stacks of paper.)

When people ask a third time, "So, have you moved into a bigger place yet?" just smile and nod.

The living room. (Actual size.)

The kitchen. (Look at all those cupboards! Compared to our last place, this is luxury!)

The bathroom. (Amazing shower. OMG. It doesn't randomly turn ice-cold, or lose water pressure, or spurt water at the ceiling. The shower makes the whole place worth it.)

This is not okay.

So. Where to begin. Last night, I decided to walk from our apartment to Mother Fool's--a fifteen minute stroll down Paterson and Willy Street--to get some work done.

This was an exciting prospect. I love coffee shops. And especially, with Baby all comfy inside me, coffee shops that offer decaf espresso.

But as I approached Mother Fool's, I saw a middle-aged man at the corner, sitting on a ledge on my side of the street, just . . . staring. Of course, I tried to act like I hadn't noticed. The whole thing felt very icky, very uncomfortable, but it would've been too obvious to cross to the other side of the street to avoid him. Especially since my destination was on this side of the block, literally twenty feet past the staring creeper.

I thanked God for my sunglasses, so he couldn't see where I was looking. I prayed, or maybe just chanted to myself: please just don't say anything. Please leave me alone. Please surprise me.

But as I drew closer, he leered at me--an ugly, rude sort of leer--and flashed a big thumbs up. "I'm giving you one of these," he said, still with an open and hungry-looking stare. "Yeah. You earned it."

I mumbled something stupid and kept walking. I felt disgusted, embarrassed, threatened.

But not surprised.

And before anyone starts asking, well, what were you wearing . . .

YES. I was wearing a sundress. It was bright and feminine, with a swishy skirt. It wasn't high necked, or formless and baggy.

But it doesn't matter.

I am tired (read: exhausted) of things like this happening. Just drained, saddened, wiped out.

And I am sick to death of some Christians pointing out that, well, if you don't dress modestly, what can you expect?

I try to dress modestly. I care about finding clothes that fit my style and make me feel fun, colorful, and comfortable without showing too much. But in situations like the above, it's deeply irrelevant. I've been hit on while wearing jeans and a T-shirt, a cute high-necked dress, a cute scoop-necked dress, a baggy jacket, shorts and a plain tank top, whatever. It doesn't matter.

I truly believe that blaming a man's rude, harassing behavior (or other, much worse things) on a woman's appearance is just silly and ignorant.

If a man (or any person) got their Corvette stolen, would the police file a report and look for the thief? Or would they say, "Well, why the heck did you buy such a nice car? What were you thinking, going out in something so flashy? Shouldn't you have realized that someone would want to steal it? If you didn't want this to happen, shouldn't you have just kept your Corvette locked up in the garage, where it belongs?"

That is victim-blaming, and to be perfectly honest, it makes me really sad.

So please, please, stop it.

I believe that modesty is beautiful. And my attempts to dress appropriately--which, for me, means the fingertip rule for skirts, the ol' lean-over-and-check-out-the-view test for tops, and not wearing a bikini around anyone except my hubby--are largely out of respect for guys.

Boyfriends, husbands, or just guys in general.

Because I'll admit it--it can make me a little unhappy when we're walking downtown and I notice a girl whose teeny-tiny outfit leaves nothing to the imagination. I don't have anything against that girl; I don't feel anger toward her, or jealousy. But if I couldn't help but notice, of course my hubby would notice. Of course other men would notice, too.

I attempt to dress modestly because I don't want to be that temptation to other guys, and that source of discomfort for other women.

HOWEVER.

Guys noticing a woman and guys harassing/catcalling/hitting on a woman is 100% different.

Noticing a woman is natural.

Harassing her is not natural. It shows a lack of respect, a lack of self-control, a lack of human decency. It's just not okay.

I guess it's tricky, because not all guys have bad intentions. And even though I don't really want any of it, not all flirting is created equal.

A guy at the grocery store once said, "Damn . . . your smile is gorgeous." He gave me a sort of embarrassed grin, and then walked away and didn't bother me again. If I'm totally honest, I didn't mind that one too much. It didn't feel dangerous or creepy.

But there are times when I feel unsafe, angry, or violated. Sometimes a combination of the three.

So what can we do about this? I suppose my impending pregnant belly might deter some of the attacks. :) But still, after years of dealing with the weird misogyny that all other women deal with, too, I haven't figured out a way to respond that leaves me feeling strong and not disgusted/embarrassed/icky.

For now, obnoxious guys of the world (none of whom, I'm pretty sure, will ever read this blog), here's a deal:

I'll dress modestly, because I respect you.

I'll try to give men the benefit of the doubt, because there are some truly amazing, humble, strong, and kind-hearted men out there. My hubby is one of them. I'm blessed to be friends with so, so many of them.

But no matter what I wear, completely regardless of my choices, you don't get to leer at me or shout profanity in the middle of the mall or cackle rudely when I tell you I'm married.

And you don't get to blame my clothes for how other people treat me.

Whew. /rant. Luckily I've got a hubby to walk places with me and offer (jokingly, for the most part) to throw rocks at obnoxious harassers.

There's always a silver lining.

December Baby

It's almost summer, which means it's time to come out of hibernation!

And also, time to redecorate my little corner of the internet. This is definitely a season for wild unabashed color, and cute little birdhouses, and fancy fonts that may or may not be destined to go the way of Comic Sans.

Because WE ARE PREGNANT.

My soul is in full-on joyful, singing, splashing-through-puddles mode.

At our latest ultrasound, the sweet pea was 13 weeks old--so not really a pea anymore. Closer to a peach, or a kiwi. (Babycenter says pea pod, so maybe the sweet pea analogy still works!) It had outgrown the adorable "melted gummy bear" stage (thanks, Davy, for that one) and moved on to the snuggly miniature baby stage. Oh, so stunning.

We'd come for the first trimester screening--an ultrasound to measure the fluid that forms naturally behind the baby's neck. And the tech was really struggling to find it.

"Your baby likes to be tucked up," she kept saying, almost indignant. "It's all curled up in a ball."

The other ultrasound tech, after trying for what felt like hours (but was probably only ten minutes), said the same thing: "Your baby's a snuggler."

It was true, and so delightful. Sweet pea looked perfect, all curled up and cozy. And when he or she started to move, I couldn't keep from laughing--which, of course, messed up the ultrasound picture. Out of kindness for the poor techs, who were gently coaxing our baby to roll over, I tried to keep a straight face. But seeing the sweet pea move for the first time, and knowing those movements were happening right inside of me, was so crazy and beautiful that I just wanted to laugh and laugh.

"Roll this way, baby!" the techs kept saying.

While they tried various approaches (drink 24 ounces of water! roll back and forth! try coughing a few times!), Phil and I kept watching. Those long, graceful stretches--those hopping hiccups--and always returning to a cozy little ball. We were transfixed.

After the appointment, Phil pointed out: this was the first time we got to see a glimpse of our sweet pea's personality.

And later, when I told my mom, she seemed amazed. Apparently, when she was pregnant with me, I was the same way: always resting and curled up.

Congratulations, our sweet little snuggler. You're being born into the right family!!

Oh Winter.

As I drove home today, my car indicated that it was 1 degree outside.

1 freaking degree.

(presses pillow to face) GAHHH:OIF:OWEIUF:OIWEH:OIH

I'm trying my best to fight the seasonal blues this winter. But I am a creature of warmth. And really, if you want to get technical about it, aren't we all?! We could survive naturally in the heat of July, as long as we could find some water and shade. But without furnaces and big warm houses and puffy marshmallow coats, we wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in Wisconsin winters.

(Okay, so that appropriated saying didn't quite work here, since snowballs actually stand a pretty good chance in this weather. But you get the idea.)

The winter slows me down. Sluggish, unmotivated, moody. Sometimes I feel like a sloth, inching along a tree branch and then resting for a few hours, because jeez, that was hard work. Or like a little brown bear, hibernating in my warm cozy den. I'll see you in April, everybody.

 Eeek! I'm cold!!!!!

More seriously, it's a little scary how drastically this weather affects my mood. I don't always notice the darkened feelings until the world starts to defrost. But on those rare warm, sunny days, I walk down the street and suddenly feel overwhelmed by a rush of gratitude for being alive, joy in my surroundings, general optimism, etc. And those lovely feelings make me notice how drastically they've been absent.

For me, it's harder to find those random bursts of thankfulness and joy in the deep frost of winter.

Once, walking home from the library, the fresh snowfall around me sparkled so beautifully that I didn't even notice how cold it was. Then again, that was back in home sweet Ann Arbor, which tends to be at least 10 degrees warmer than Madison. At this very moment, Ann Arbor is 18 degrees and Madison is -2.

Okay. Stop being negative.

Trying to remember the beautiful things about winter. Let's see.....

1. Hot chocolate and cider and cinnamon lattes.
2. Cuddling up beneath blankets and keeping each other warm.
3. Christmas movies and colorful lights and COOKIES.
4. Cute scarves and hats and big knit sweaters.
5. Pretty snowfalls.
6. Um......running out of ideas....
7. The joy (and painful prickling feeling) of coming inside from 1 degree weather?
8. Help! Need more ideas!
9. Fireplaces. Yes. Those are good.
10. Coffee shops with fireplaces.
11. Camping out with Phil in a coffee shop with a fireplace while pretty snow falls outside.
12. Wintery music. You know what I mean. Bon Iver, the National, other pretty things.

God, help me to focus on the good. Help me to find the warmth and sweetness of winter, to pluck the fruit when it's ripe, and not just hibernate until the summer awakens my soul again.

(But still, keeping my fingers crossed for a winter of 20+ degree temps and light, fluffy snow that does not clog up the roads and an early spring!!!!!! You never know.)

This is Why We Fight

What do you do when you're under attack?

It's tempting to duck and cover--to find a safe place and hide, to wait for the barrage of blows to finally come to an end. It's even more tempting to feel sorry for yourself. (I'm guilty of both.)

Health-wise and body-wise, these past two months have not exactly been a picnic. Unless you picnic in the middle of a shooting range and happen to forget your Kevlar vest. Also your sanity.

I'm going to run down the list, not to elicit sympathy, but just to explain how weird and overwhelming things have been lately. If you're squeamish or easily grossed out, just stop. Like, seriously, stop reading. And please forgive the TMI. I'm just in a vulnerable (read: overshare-y) sort of mood. And it does make a pretty good story!

1. In late August, I tripped while running downhill--fast--and now have a half-moon scar on my upper arm that doesn't seem to be going away quite yet. Or maybe ever. (If you squint and tilt your head sideways and dim the lights, you can't quite see it . . . )

2. Two weeks later, I got a tick bite on my ankle that ended in potential lyme disease and cellulitis (i.e. infected tissue), which swelled my foot like crazy. While I was working a 12-hour shift, it got so painful that I couldn't put any weight on it. I ended up with an antibiotic shot, stuck DEEP into my hip with a super scary needle, and a 10-day course of antibiotics.

3. A cold. A really fun one.

4. (Here comes the TMI part . . . sorry!!!) Stomach pain and.....well....strange bleeding. The sort of bleeding that, coupled with weight loss, prompted my doctor to refer me to a GI specialist. Eeek.

5. Another cold. I'm serious. It's like the germs were seeking me out, trying to make me feel special.

6. An upper-GI endoscopy and a colonoscopy. (Apparently, they call this a double dip.) The brochure featured a lovely, beaming elderly couple on the cover, which made me feel even more fantastic.

7. The day after the procedures: shortness of breath and fatigue, which worried the clinic nurse enough that I soon found myself sitting in the ER with an IV in my arm and those sticky electrode things on my skin.

Whew. It's exhausting just to type everything out. And it also makes me laugh. Like, how on earth could all these things happen within two months?! It doesn't seem like there'd be enough hours in the day. Plus, it's strange how each ailment waited its turn before jumping into the fray. I guess that's the polite way to attack a girl--single file, one at a time.

But it's less funny when you realize that this was, in fact, a carefully orchestrated attack.

My life is beautiful. Phil is just amazing--there are no words. We've started opening up our house for prayer and worship nights. I'm leading an AWESOME creative writing group with super talented kids. And I'm writing a book that I'm so excited about.

But when these trials came, I found myself feeling timid and full of anxiety. My thoughts were like kites all tethered to the same pole, flapping around and getting tangled up. What if the doctors find cancer, or something else horrible? What if Phil and I never get to have kids? What if bad things just keep happening?

On top of that, I was embarrassed. Even ashamed. Why couldn't I have chosen a different picnic table, or noticed the tick earlier? Why was I careless enough to share food with a friend who seemed under the weather? What kind of 24-year-old gets a colonoscopy, anyway?

Basically, I was making myself MUCH sicker than I needed to be.

Obviously, I didn't want to worry. It just sort of happened--no matter how much I prayed, no matter how many deep, calming breaths I took. It made me admire my mom even more--her ability to take each thing as it comes, and her super powerful prayer.

Thankfully, everything has healed (more or less) beautifully. The doctors didn't find any serious issues. And most of the "issues" weren't even real health problems--they were tiny blips on the radar. Colds that went away quickly. Shortness of breath that turned out to be nothing more than fatigue and mild dehydration. Plus, there were huge blessings along the way. My friends prayed over me, often without even being asked. I gradually learned how to stop worrying and focus on good things instead. Just yesterday, an awesome friend shared a story that made me feel much less embarrassed, and also made me laugh really, really hard. And Phil has been the most patient, supportive, selfless, and kind partner I could ever dream of.

But as the smoke clears, I'm starting to realize that I took the wrong approach. Somewhere in the middle of all this craziness--I think between numbers 3 and 4 on the list of super-fun ailments--I stumbled upon these verses:

"Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." -Ephesians 6:10-13

Amid times of trial and confusion, God has always led me to the truth I needed to hear. I just wish I'd taken the hint sooner:

Spiritual warfare is real.

For my sweet and amazing friends who aren't very spiritual, I hope this doesn't sound too weird. But it's irrevocably true. The devil--or evil forces and temptations, or whatever you want to call it--tears us down. He wants to ruin marriages and pull apart friendships. He wants to chip away at our identity, to pile on the insecurity and self-doubt. Because when we're afraid, we're not as powerful. It's hard to love your neighbor when you're busy hiding; it's hard to make the world beautiful when you're drowning in it.

Spiritual warfare is real--but we don't have to hide from it. We don't have to feel ashamed or slink to a dark, hidden place. We don't have to face trials alone.

What do you do when the attacks keep coming?

Put on your armor and fight back.

A poem I wrote when I was feeling down (and not the namesake of this blog.....apparently it's just an image I'm stuck on.)

in the light I scatter
far-flung like glass beads across a wooden floor
pulled homeward with long needle strokes--
my hopes bound up in fresh stitches
and tightening seams.

it bespeaks a labor of love
that an empty cistern might produce water
that a clay pot might not end broken

you know the inner workings of my heart
which we understand to mean faith, or weakness:

you could pull a single thread
and all my quiet places would unravel--
you could tuck the loose strings back into place
and make me like new--
you could add buttons that shine and glisten
like fish scales in the river--
you could sew on patches that become improvements,
you could make me better

(but to err is human
and to err means,
now and again,
to take up the scissors.)

            so stand up tall and proud,
            because you hold a privileged position
            and this, at least, is a beautiful thing:
            you could never have injured my heart
            if I had never opened my unmarked skin, my cage of rib bones,
            and sewn you inside.